All I Need
by potter-or-riddle
Summary: Harry loses the will to live, and attempts the unforgivable. He and Draco form a truce that evolves to much more. They try to keep it secret from the school. Who would have thought that keeping one secret would uncover so many more? Eventual HD slash.
1. Chapter 01

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Chapter 1 - Breaking Free

  
  
The darkness surrounded him, engulfed him, and trapped him inside his own head. Trapped him with his guilt, grief, and the treachery of his own mind. 

Dumbledore had sent him back to the Dursleys to be alone with himself. He may be safe from Voldemort here, but he was never safe from himself, nor his guilt. Sirius was dead because of him. The only person he'd ever considered family was DEAD! He took Sirius's death harder than finding out the truth about his parents because he hadn't known them. 

Thoughts swirled; they turned to grief, which turned to anger, which turned to fear. He was grieving Sirius's death and he was angry with himself for his reckless behaviour. But mostly he was scared. Yes, Harry was scared, terrified even. Of Voldemort, of death and life. He had always had been tough on the outside saying Voldemort's name aloud, covering up what he felt inside. Inside Harry Potter was a mess, a wreck of emotions and memories, only hanging on a thread. Sirius's death was the last straw and the string was cut. Everything Harry had been holding in his entire life, rose from the darkest depths of his soul. It rose to torment him and drive him insane. If he opened his eyes all he could see was swirling colours of black and grey. But when he closed them, he saw Sirius fall through the veil over and over again. 

Harry didn't know how much time had passed since he had arrived back at the Dursleys. It could have been hours, days, and weeks for all he cared. Harry no longer cared about anything anymore. He hadn't showered in days and he couldn't remember the last time he was hungry. He just spent days sitting a corner of his room staring at the blank wall, fighting wars with himself.

  
"It wasn't my fault. It was an accident!" 

  
_"Of course it was my fault! Why didn't I open the mirror sooner?"  
_

"If I hadn't gone to the ministry, Voldemort would have found someway to get the prophecy and I prevented him from hearing it."

  
_"It doesn't matter now. Sirius is dead and it's my entire fault. I don't deserve to live."_

  
"But I have to, don't I? I have to save the world and be the great hero for everyone to worship." 

__

  
"I should go and find Voldemort. So he can finish this once and for all." 

  
"I can't. I have to keep on trying. I can't give up after one failure. I have to save my friends."

  
_"But, I can just end it all now and leave them to deal with it."_

  
"Shut up! Shut up!" Harry screamed clutching his head. His hair was dirty and greasy under his hands but he didn't care. He wanted to end it, to end it all. He ignored the nasty little voice inside him that told him he couldn't even that. But Harry had to see, he just had to see exactly how much control he had over his own life. He walked towards the door with resolution. Let himself free. He hesitated before proceeding to the bathroom. He locked the bathroom door and slouched back against it. Harry took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair again. He stood up straight and made his way towards the bathtub. He turned the cold tap on and put in the plug. Then he turned around and opened the mirror cabinet above the sink. Harry shuffled through the contents knocking over several bottles until he found a clean shaver. 

With shaking hands he somehow managed to pull the blade out of the plastic. He looked at it for awhile the words _...and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... _running through his head and he knew he had to do it he had to see exactly how much control he had over his own life. He eventually ran the blade down his palm to make sure it was sharp. The contact between the blade and his flesh left a thin red line on his hand. The blood ran over his palm through the lines on his hand. There was something refreshing about the pain and the blood. The physical pain almost took away the mental pain, almost, but not quite. 

Harry slowly peeled his shirt off with some difficulty because he had broken out into a sweat that made his clothes cling. The tub was full so Harry turned off the tap, looking at his reflection in the icy water. The tips of his raven black hair brushed the surface of the water as he leant forwards mesmerized by the brightness of his own eyes. He blinked a few times trying to focus on what he was about to do. He put one foot into the water, letting his pants get soaked. Slowly he put his whole foot in, feeling shocked by the cold of it. 

Trying to ignore the little voice in his head that said it wouldn't work, he put his other foot in and lowered to a half sitting, half lying position. His black pants felt heavy as they filled with the icy water. 

Harry knew it was a cowardly thing to do and he wasn't even sure if it would work, but he had to know. He had to know whether or not he had complete control over his life. 

He was shaking uncontrollably and now, like so many other things in his life that were uncontrollable, he couldn't stop shuddering. Harry didn't know whether he was shivering because of the cold or his task. He picked up the razor blade and had to fight the shudders to hold it straight. He examined his wrists looking for the vein that would release him.

His body was gone numb from the cold water. Before he could stop them, silent tears rolled down his cheeks. Harry didn't ask for this, he didn't enjoy being The Boy Who Lived. He knew that many people were jealous of him, but did they really want to be him? 

Harry swiftly dragged the blade down his left wrist, crying out quietly even though it didn't hurt that much. Then he dragged the razor down his right wrist. He started to get a few doubtful thoughts but drove them away quickly. 

He watched his blood seep out of his cuts, dying the water red. Suddenly he heard a thump on the bathroom door.

  
"Harry? Hurry up you prat!?" Dudley whine impatiently. 

Harry just ignored him. Out seeped the blood. He dropped the blade and watched it float to the bottom of the tub. The water all round his wrists was splashed with red.

There were more thumps on the door. "Hurry up! I need to go! Harry? Are you in there??" Dudley called again but Harry ignored him. 

Minutes passed and Harry's head began to spin a bit. His head lolled to the side and his glasses slipped off into the tub. He felt drained and sick. 

Thump, thump, thump!

  
"HARRY? Are you okay??" Dudley's voice was panicky. "Stop messing around. GET OUT NOW!"

If it had been under different circumstances Harry would have laughed at Dudley's concern, but now he was slipping and he was beginning to have last minute panic attacks. He froze but it was too late. He was too weak to move. The water was now completely red. The last thing he saw before slipping off was Dudley finally breaking through the door horrified at the sight of his cousin sitting in a tub full of his own blood. 

  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harry was swimming, or so he thought. But what was he really swimming? Swimming in Blackness? Black water perhaps? Was this death? 

He tried to move but he couldn't. Out of nowhere, he could see Sirius's face floating in front of him. 

"Sirius", Harry tried to whisper without avail.

"Now it's not your time Harry. You must go back," a voice inside his head said. It was Sirius' voice. Harry tried desperately to explain, to say sorry but nothing came out. Harry had to explain!

"But I don't think you'll return until you've heard this. I forgive you Harry. It wasn't your fault. Now you must go back. You have to win this war Harry. You have to try. You can't give up like this," the voice said again. 

All of a sudden Harry felt his guilt disappear. Maybe not completely but he felt a big weight off his shoulders. That was all he had wanted to hear.

  
"Harry? Harry?" He heard another voice say but it sounded very far away and faint. The voice got louder and clearer but Sirius faded away. Harry tried to reach out to him but he still couldn't move. Then all of a sudden in one big jerk, he found himself back in the bathtub, someone was holding his wrists casting a healing spell on them.

  
"Oh Harry… What are we going to do with you? You gave your cousin quite a scare," said an old familiar voice.

  
"D…Dumbledore? Whaz you choing here?" Harry heard himself saying with a raspy voice. 

  
"Harry, haven't you listened to what I told you about your connection with Voldemort? You've just caused yourself a lot of blood loss, " he said looking at Harry with sad eyes. "This is what he wants Harry. Can't you see? Please promise me that you never are going to try this again?"

  
Harry didn't answer. He didn't have to promise Dumbledore anything. He had gotten what he wanted from Sirius, forgiveness. He had broken free of his guilt. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ To be continued.....~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N What did you think? REVIEW! PLEASE!

Thanks so MUCH Diana Snape for betaing! I love you (not in that way)!   
  



	2. Chapter 02

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Chapter 2 - A Nasty Surprise

Dumbledore helped Harry out of the bathtub. Harry tried to stand but swooned and Dumbledore caught him. There was a throbbing pain in his head and he got a glimpse of his face in the mirror, he was deathly pale.

"We have to get you to a bed Harry. Get some of that blood back in you", Dumbledore said. Harry felt like blacking out again but he tried to stay awake. Eventually everything faded away. 

**************

Harry opened his eyes, and saw that he was in a dark room with a blank portrait on the far wall. He couldn't figure out what happened or where he was but it soon came rushing back to him the blood, the icy water, Sirius. Thankfully, the pain in his head was gone and he felt fine, more or less. He reached out to where the nightstand was and felt around for his glasses. He slipped them on and realized he was at Grimmauld place in his usual room. He stayed in the bed for awhile thinking. A great lot of his depression was gone. He wasn't even sure if he had been dreaming about Sirius or if it was real, but what ever it was it made him feel a little bit better. He was still moody about the prophecy, but at least he had regained a will to live. He got out of bed and realized that he was still wearing his black pants but thankfully they were dry. He walked sleepily over to the window and drew back the old graying curtains. Early morning sun shone through and Harry figured he had been asleep or unconscious all yesterday evening. He saw that his trunk was at the end of his bed and that there was also an old bag with shirtsleeves hanging out of it. He opened the bag and found most of his clothes in it. He decided to go for a shower so he stepped out of the room and went down the hall to the bathroom glancing around hoping to see Sirius pop out of one of the rooms. He stopped at the bathtub, which had iron serpents for legs, and looked at it for a bit, thinking. He didn't regret what he had done, but he wasn't too proud of it either. He walked past the bathtub and stepped into the shower. He pulled off his clothes and turned the hot water. He never, ever wanted to have a cold shower again. He let the water run over him burning him but he didn't care. It felt kind of weird to be back in Sirius's house without his godfather. After a while, he got out, and pulled a towel around himself, before heading back to his room. In his way, he could heard voices drift up from downstairs.

"Is he here?" He heard Hermione's voice say sounding very concerned. 

"Yes, but I think he's still asleep dear. Maybe you should go and check on him," came Mrs. Weasley's voice. Harry hurried back into his room, and pulled on some underwear and pants quickly, just before hearing a soft knock on the door.

"Harry, are you awake?" 

"Hang on," he said and pulled on the nearest shirt. "Come in". The door burst open and Hermione bounded in and hugged him.

"Oh Harry, why did you do it? How are you? I'm so glad you're alive! You won't believe who's downstairs. Oh I've been so worried!" She squealed.

"Whoa, whoa, one at a time," he said grinning. She released him from her grip and sighed.

"You're soaking wet," she noted.

"Well that tends to be the case when you come out of a shower," he said grinning even wider, glad to see her again. 

"Oh I'm sorry. I guess that's why your t-shirt is inside out," she replied grinning back. Harry looked at his t-shirt, realizing that it was indeed inside out and soaking wet.

"Where's Ron?" Harry asked suddenly. Hermione sighed loudly again.

"Downstairs having a terrible fit," she responded evasively, glancing at her hands. 

"And what is he having a fit about?" Harry questioned while he was eyeing her suspiciously.

"About a certain git who has decided to change his ways," she commented sarcastically.

"And who might that be?" Harry asked again. 

"You better come downstairs and see. But you're not going to like it," she said and walked out of the room leaving a confused Harry. He followed her out and down the stairs. Hermione glanced back at him and then stepped into the kitchen, Harry entered to the room and his mouth dropped open at what he saw. Draco Malfoy sitting at the wooden table next to Snape looking a bit nervous, well about as nervous as a Malfoy could ever be which is not very nervous at all. 

"Wha...what's he doing here?" Harry sputtered, eyeing Draco. Malfoy's nervous expression vanished and it turned to scowl.

"He is having a tea, Potter. What do you think he is going here?" Snape said with disgust. 

"He could be spying!" Harry retorted, flushing a little. 

"I am not!" Draco said looking more flustered than he had ever been in his life.

"We have tested him with the strongest Veritaserum, Harry. Besides there are other facts that remain to prove his switch," said Lupin who had been sitting quietly in the corner by the fire with Dung. Harry felt a little more reassured by Lupin's words but he was still suspicious. 

Lupin looked a right mess, and Harry suspected it wasn't just for the full moon. He knew Remus had a very good friendship with Sirius, he half suspected that they had been in love. Harry felt for a moment like hugging him and telling him it would be all right but he couldn't. He moved his attention back to Draco who was staring at the ground with a horrible expression on his face before looking at him, smirking.

"Trying to make a fashion statement with a wet inside out t-shirt, Potter? Attractive," he drawled sarcastically earning a disapproving look from Remus and a gleeful one from Snape. Harry was about to answer back when Mrs. Weasley came in the door with a very sour looking Ron. 

"Harry! Oh how are you? Are you hungry? Tired?" She said almost like Hermione. "Oh, you're all wet!"

"I'm fine Mrs. Weasley, really!" Harry said half-heartedly fighting off Molly as she tried to hug him. Harry saw Draco blanch when he saw Molly hug him he looked envious. Before he could think about it Ron ran up to him. 

"Harry! Why did you do it mate? Why? You could have came to me I would have helped you. You know I would have!" Ron said looking kind of hurt.

"Now Ron leave him alone. I'm sure he doesn't want to talk about it dear," Molly said looking as though she would like to know why he did it as well. 

"Did what, Potter?" Draco chanced to ask.

"Nothing Malfoy!" Harry said without looking at him, motioning Ron and Hermione to follow him. It was about time that he told them about the prophecy anyway. He stole a glance at Malfoy before he left. There was something there, and for once it wasn't hate. _Why did he switch sides? What happened? Why did he have to invade in my life now!_

There was the hate inside him, but for a moment he had almost felt something else for Malfoy, and it was still lingering but it left once he, Ron, and Hermione were alone. Ron was looking at him funny, and Hermione was avoiding his gaze. 

"So anyone care to explain this?" Harry asked, "do you know something?"

"Well, you see… Something happened that nobody would tell us. Dumbledore said that Draco will tell us when he is ready. Anyway, he went to Snape for help and Snape brought him here", Ron said. "That's all that dad would tell me. I am so pissed off!" Hermione tried to stifle a snicker.

"Yeah so pissed off you had a temper tantrum right in the kitchen and your mummy had to drag you out," she replied going red from trying to contain laughter. Harry thought this was pretty funny but didn't laugh. They were still walking and Harry stopped and sat on the top step of the long dark stairs. 

"Harry?" Hermione asked tenderly while Harry put his head in his hands.

"Why me? Why always me?" He muttered more to himself than to them.

"What do you mean why always you? Everyone likes you Harry! You are the most famous person in the wizarding world! Why on earth would you try to kill yourself!" Ron blew up going very red in the face. "WHY?" Hermione shot Ron a dangerous look but Harry didn't raise his head to see it.

"There's something I haven't told you two that I maybe should have", he murmured quietly. Ron frowned confused and sat down next to him.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"Well, last year when I came back to Hogwarts after the incident at the Department of Mysteries, Dumbledore told me what the prophecy was about", he said and looked at Ron to see his reaction, but Ron just kept looking at him curiously. Hermione sat down next to him too and motioned him to continue. Harry explained what had happened in Dumbledore's office and repeated the dreadful words of the prophecy that he had unwillingly memorized. 

"Wow, that's rough," Ron said surprised. "But you should have told us earlier. Is that why you tried to kill yourself?"

"Ron, don't be so insensitive," Hermione snapped at him before hugging Harry.

"Yeah. Thanks guys but I need some time alone," he said getting up. _They will never understand, _he thought to himself as he made his way to the attic. He climbed up the last flight of stairs that led to the attic. He liked it up there even if it did smell like dead rats and there was a Hippogriff in there.

"Hello Buckbeak", Harry greeted stroking Buckbeak's beak. Harry gazed out of the window at the muggles coming and going down on the dingy square. He couldn't help but wonder why Malfoy had joined the order, remembering the look Malfoy had on his face when Mrs. Weasley hugged him. _Why am I worrying so much about him anyway! Maybe he's okay after all, NO! No I did not just say that, I hate him! No, I don't like him, I hate him._ Suddenly Harry heard someone come up the stairs and enter the attic behind him.

"Hello Harry, Ron told me you were up here".

Harry turned around and saw Remus standing by the doorframe.

"Hi Remus," he said seeing his old professor pet Buckbeak. Lupin made his way over to Harry crunching on the many rat bones, and propped his elbows onto the windowsill. There was silence for a few minutes.

"Do you miss him a lot Remus?" Harry asked after a while, without looking at him.

"You'd never understand how much Harry". Harry just nodded.

"You know, you'd think I should be used to all this. I've lost many friends back in the days when Voldemort was at full power, I guess it's just been so long," Remus continued.

"Yeah it hurts," Harry said still mindlessly staring out the window.

"I know how you feel Harry, Dumbledore told me about the prophecy I guess because I was angry with you for giving up, but I know how you feel. You are not visibly different, but you know that you are and there's nothing ever going to change that. It's like being a werewolf," Remus said. Harry looked at him for a moment.

"It kind of is, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but don't let it drag you down Harry. You have to keep looking up, if you keep your eyes on the stars you won't have time to look back. You have the power to defeat Voldemort Harry, I know you do. You have a power he doesn't," Lupin said avoiding Harry's eyes.

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"Love Harry! That is the most powerful of thing". Harry was sure Remus was crying. He vaguely remembering Dumbledore telling him something like that before too.

"You loved him, didn't you?" Harry asked him with sudden realization.

"Sirius? Yes, I did and he loved me too. How did you know? We never told anyone," Lupin questioned Harry.

"I didn't know, just a wild guess", Harry said not at all surprised at the news.

"We didn't tell anyone because we were scared of what they would think".

"Why? There's nothing wrong with being gay", Harry told him. 

"I don't know. But stay happy Harry. We're all on your side," Remus said and got up to leave. After he had left Harry stayed behind thinking. A few moments later, he heard footsteps on the stairs again. _Can't anyone get any peace around here?_ He turned around to see who it was this time and to his surprise it was Draco. Harry glared at him, while Draco smirked.

"What are you doing here?" Harry snapped.

"I'm trying to feed this thing," he replied pointing at Buckbeak who was happily picking at Harry's t-shirt with its beak.

"Oh helping out now, are you? What happened to I'm-going-to-make-you-pay-for-what-you-did-to-my-father-Malfoy? Doesn't look like you're too friendly with daddy unless you're spying for him, which apparently is not the case," Harry said smugly.

"That is none of your business Potter!" Malfoy raged and forgetting all dignity jumped on Harry, fists flying. Harry knew that he had asked for it, but he hit back anyway. Harry laughed in his mind as he slipped Draco's wand out of his pocket. _Oh it is easy to wind him up._

Eventually Harry pulled out his own wand and Draco backed off and reached into his pocket for his.

"Looking for something Malfoy?" Asked Harry twirling Draco's wand in his left hand. "Too busy fighting the 'ol'-muggle-way' to notice your wand was gone?"

Draco was so angry his face was red which was rare for him. He looked like he was going to say something but before he did, Harry threw Draco's wand at him and stormed out of the attic. At the end of the stairs Harry felt a tinge of guilt. Whatever the reason for Draco coming here was, he knew it can't be good. Harry was dying to know what was going on.

**************

A week later Harry and Draco were sitting in the kitchen in front of Arthur, who was standing by the fire shaking his head.

"What the hell am I going to do with you two? You are constantly fighting!" He complained. Harry knew he was right. He and Draco had many fights, usually just over nothing. This one had been particularly bad, Draco had pushed Harry down the stairs after Harry punched him for mentioning Sirius. Both of them were bleeding and glaring at each other fiercely.

"He started it," Draco said.

"I did not!" Harry retorted looking furious. Arthur shook his head and Hermione who was listening, rolled her eyes.

"You sound like four-year-olds. Now shape up and act your age! Can't you at least try to get along?" She asked tiredly.

"No," Harry and Draco said at the same time, with equal disgust. 

Harry glared at Draco even more. Hermione threw her arms in the air and stomped out of the room. A few minutes of glaring silence Arthur left too, but Harry and Draco just kept glaring at each other until finally Draco got up and left. Harry sighed with relief, if he had stayed any longer Harry might have done something that he would regret. _Aaargh! No, no, no! Get out of my mind, you snobby prat! Why me? _Harry thought, shaking his head.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*To be continued...*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


	3. Chapter 03

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Chapter 3 - The agreement

The next day Mrs Weasley came bustling into the kitchen where Harry, Draco, Ron, and Hermione were eating breakfast. 

"Your booklists are here!" she announced passing them around the table. Harry opened his and glanced at it. There were his OWL results! He read the letter eagerly.

__

Dear Mr. Potter,

Were are pleased to inform you that you receive 6 OWLs in your last year examination. Your OWLs results are the following. Your course choices will be given to you at school.

****

Pass Marks :

O- Outstanding

E- Exceeds Expectations

A- Acceptable

Fail Marks:

P- Poor

D- Dreadful

T- Troll

Charms - O

Transfiguration- E

Herbology- A

Defence Against the Dark Arts- O

Potions- A

Care of Magical Creatures- O

History of Magic- D

Astronomy- P

Divination- P

Well done, and good luck in your next year!

Your sincerely,

Hogwart's Deputy Headmistress,

Minerva Mc. Gonagall

Harry was happy with his marks and very surprised that he actually passed potions, though he had suspicions Professor McGonagall had something to do with it. Of course she also said that Snape took no less than 'Outstanding' for his advanced potions class. He put that thought aside, he didn't want to worry about potions at the moment. Because he had yet to choose his courses, most of his text books, the letter said, would be available at school. He only needed a couple of supplies from Diagon Alley. 

"I'll go to Diagon Alley and get your stuff for you because you never know who you'd meet down there. I'll take Ginny with me," she said taking back the lists, which they had all taken a good look at. Hermione, Harry and Draco gave her some money for their supplies.

"Mom, can I stay here? I don't want to go to Diagon Alley!" Ginny moaned coming in the door.

"No, I need you to try on some new robes," Mrs Weasley said looking around for the jar of floo powder. Soon Molly and Ginny were gone leaving the group alone in the large old mansion. Ron, Hermione, and Harry had a discussion over their OWLs while eating breakfast. Hermione had passed everything with only a few E's, one A, and the rest O's. Ron had not done so well and refused to say his marks in front of Draco. Draco didn't say anything at all. 

"What are we going to do all day?" Ron asked bored while he was getting up to take his empty plate to the sink. Hermione shrugged still eating her eggs, without glancing at him.

"I don't know. There is not much to do around here, is there?" Harry said looking around the dank kitchen. Draco stayed silent, finishing his breakfast.

"A game of chess?" Ron asked Harry as he sat back down, "You and Hermione can even team up against me!" Harry noticed that he didn't include Draco, but didn't mention it.

"All right, Hermione?" Harry asked her deciding to ignore Draco just as Ron had. 

"Yeah," she said shooting a glance at Draco whom was smirking as usual. Harry got up with his plate, and so did Draco at the same time. Harry could see it happen before it did but was unable to stop it. He accidentally bumped Draco's elbow as he was getting up, knocking his plate to the floor smashing it. 

"Watch where you're going Potter," Draco spat disdainfully turning his back to Harry.

"You watch it! You bumped into me!" Harry spat back. What normal people could have settled with a few apologies turned into a huge fistfight. Out of the corner of his eye Harry saw Hermione whisper to Ron before Draco's fist blocked them out. Hermione and Ron left the room without saying anything. They fought for a while until Harry had enough. He shoved Draco off him and left the room straightening his clothes. _Damn, these fights are getting tiring! _He thought rubbing the side of his head. It was throbbing awfully. 

"Harry? Can you come and help me for a moment? I'm in the study." Ron's voice floated down the stairs. Harry sighed, but went upstairs anyway. When he reach the room, he found it empty. He walked in looking around puzzled. SLAM! The door was shut suddenly and he heard the lock click. He felt his pockets looking for his wand, but it wasn't there. He remembered he left it on the kitchen table. A few minutes later he heard Hermione yell out for Draco to come to the study. _What the hell are they up to? Oh no! _Harry thought figuring out his friends actions.

"No don't come..." He started just as Draco came in looking annoyed and the door shut behind him, "...in here." Harry finished helplessly. 

"What the hell?" Draco said frantically twisting the doorknob. Harry rolled his eyes. 

"Use your wand you moron!"

"Why don't you use yours?" Draco demanded letting go of the doorknob.

"I left it on the table", Harry muttered expecting Draco to laugh, but he didn't.

"So did I," he said glaring at Harry. _I'm going to be stuck in a room with Malfoy! Oh fuck, no! _Harry started pounding on the door. 

"Hermione, Ron. This isn't funny let me out. Now!" he yelled through the door.

"Not until you two agree to stop fighting!" Ron yelled back. "It's bloody boring to see you fighting each other over every little thing." 

"You hate him too!" Harry pointed out. Draco clenched his fists.

"Yes, but you don't see me fighting him every two minutes!"

"Hey!" Draco snapped.

"Shut up!" Harry spat back without glancing at him.

"You shut up!" Draco said back with disgust at being told what to do. Harry ignored him.

"Ron let me out now!" He yelled once more. SMACK!

"Ow, fuck Malfoy what was that for?" Harry said holding his bleeding nose.

"For trying to order me around."

"Son of a..." Harry started and punched him back, starting a new fight.

"They're at it again! Come on Ron. Let's go," Hermione said taking Ron's arm.

"No, wait. Let us out!" Harry yelled but he got no answer. He kicked an old blackened chair in frustration.

"We're stuck here!" Harry said flopping down on the chair.

"No, no way am I going to be stuck in here with you!" Draco said and started banging on the door screaming at Ron and Hermione, threatening them. Harry just watched him half-amused. He'd never seen Malfoy act like this before. Draco gave the door a last kick and stomped over to the opposite side of the room as Harry and sat on the floor sulking. Harry didn't know how long they sat there just glaring at each other. It felt like hours. Something was bugging Harry though. _I wonder why he came here. _Harry knew he could just ask but he didn't want to ask Malfoy anything. When he looked at him though Harry thought he could see a far away sad kind of look in his eyes, that was until Draco realized that he was staring, and it turned to a glare. Finally Harry couldn't take it anymore.

"Why are you here Malfoy?" He blurted out, trying to end the uncomfortable silence.

"Because the mudblood, and weasel locked me in here, you stupid prick!" Draco said rolling his eyes. Harry fought back the urge to hit him.

"I mean why did you switch sides?" Harry said.

"Why should I tell you Potter?" Draco drawled, though Harry was sure that for a millisecond he saw him flinch at his question. Now Harry had to fight very hard to resist the urge to wallop him.

"Never mind! I was just curious." They sat in silence once more and Harry swore to himself to never speak to him again. After a long silence, Draco coughed.

"Why did you try to kill yourself Potter? Scared?" He said sarcastically though Harry could see a hint of curiosity in his face. He was caught off guard and forgot his promise to himself.

"How? What? How did you know that?" Harry asked frantically.

"Snape".

"That prick!"

"Professor Snape is not a prick!" Draco snapped only half-heartedly. Again, there was a long silence.

"I'll tell you why if you tell me why you switched sides." Harry bargained. _What have I got to lose? _Draco shot him a dirty look.

"That's so mature, Potter. But if you are so interested, fine. You go first", he said sarcastically glaring at Harry.

"No, you go first or I'm not telling", Harry said aware that he sounded like a little child. 

"No, you go first! You are the one who wants to know," Draco said back.

"No!" There was once again another silence. Eventually Draco gave in.

"Fine, fine. If you are such a coward, I'll go first; but if you ever tell your little friends or anybody for that matter, I will hex you to the moon and back," he told Harry.

"Yeah, yeah okay", Harry said settling back into the chair, and began pulling on a loose thread on the cushion.

"I mean it, Potter."

"OKAY!"

Draco took a deep breath.

"Well," Draco hesitated avoiding Harry's eyes.

"Go on," probed Harry getting very, very eager to hear Draco's story. Draco gave him another dirty look.

"Don't push me Potter. My father as you know hates mudbloods, muggles, and muggle-lovers. He is one of You-Know.... Er, V-voldemort's most loyal Death Eaters," Draco said fidgeting with his fingernails. Harry nodded. _Tell me something I don't know. _

"Yes, well my mother and I lived in his shadow. My mother never wanted to marry him; it was an arranged marriage. He was abusive, and he was always pressuring me. I was going to grow up according to his plan, I was going to hate muggles, and eventually become a Death Eater just like him." Draco looked at Harry. "I just don't want to kill people. I mean at the Quidditch World Cup last year, I wasn't scared. They were just messing around with muggles, but when I saw him actually kill someone, it hit me like a bucket of cold water. I was expected to kill another human being. I got scared, really scared. My mother hated him so much. So..." Draco stopped again, "tell anyone and I swear I will KILL you Potter!" Harry was shocked that this was the same Draco who tormented him ever since they were eleven years old. He had never bothered to look beyond the cold, conceited, Slytherin but there was actually a person there.

"I won't! But, if you say that one more time I will though," Harry said looking at Draco for once as a real person. Harry almost expected him to look different, but he was still the skinny, blonde and pale Draco Malfoy that he always knew. His _expression wasn't the usual smirk, or sneer; it was totally blank. 

"So anyway, this summer I was supposed to get the dark mark. It was the last straw for my mother, she didn't want to see that dirty thing on my flesh, her flesh as she put it. So we ran away, but it wasn't that easy. We got as far as five miles from the manor in a muggle car before he found us. He killed her Harry! He killed his own wife, right in front of me!" Draco said his eyes wide, but dry. Malfoy's never cry. Harry was stunned, he'd always thought of the Malfoy's as a big loving, happy family in a sort of twisted way. But Lucius killing Narcissa… It was insane! Harry noticed that Malfoy had called him Harry, not Potter.

"So what did you do?"

"Ran, I just ran. I don't know how I got away, but the minute I saw her body hit the ground I ran into the woods behind the manor and kept running until I got to Gregory's house. He may be extremely dim, but he at least does not like the idea of killing either. Luckily both his parents were out, so we owled the only person I could ever trust, Professor Snape. And now I'm here. Tell and die, remember that Potter." Draco finished warning once again. Harry observed that he was back to calling him Potter and was surprised that Goyle was smart enough to be left alone in a house. 

"Er, I never knew," Harry said not knowing what to say. He suddenly stopped feeling sorry for himself. He suddenly realized that there were other people in the world that had terrible lives also. It wasn't only him. _Oh my God I've been so selfish!_

"Yeah, well now you do," Draco replied. "Now tell me why you attempted suicide. And don't you dare make something up." Harry had considered making something up before he heard Draco's story, but he had to tell the truth after that. If he told him that he'd have to tell him about the prophecy. He didn't know if he was ready to tell his 'enemy' about it.

__

Draco's not an enemy; Voldemort is an enemy. Draco is a rival. He thought to himself.

"Don't tell me you are having second thoughts," Draco said angrily. 

"I'm not, I'm not", Harry said. So he told him, he told him the whole story. Only when he was finished his conscience start kicking in. _No! No! Oh shit why did I do that? He could have been lying! I'm so stupid!_

"Well, I guess you don't exactly have the great life I thought you did," Draco said uncomfortably.

"Same with you, I guess," Harry said kicking at something on the floor. There was another long silence. _Maybe it wasn't such a big mistake after all._

"Er, I think I know how you feel," Draco told him. This surprised him, the last thing he expected was Malfoy to understand. Even though he'd never admit it, he was kind of glad he'd told him.

"Oh-huh, listen… do you want to have a… to become…," Harry started to say friends but couldn't.

"How about a truce?" Draco finished for him. 

"Er, yeah." Harry said scratching the back of his neck.

"Okay. It's going to be quite a shock," Draco said knowingly. 

"No one has to know," Harry said simply.

"Okay," Draco agreed before shaking hands. They just sat and talked about relatively normal things for a while until they heard the front door open downstairs. They stood up and went to listen at the locked door.

"Hello. Ron, Hermione, dear. Where are Draco and Harry?" They heard Molly's voice say. The next voice was muffled so they couldn't hear it. 

"YOU DID WHAT!?!" Molly screamed running upstairs. They heard footsteps on the stairs and the lock clicked open.

"Are you two okay?" Molly asked looking for blood and broken bones.

"We're fine Mrs Weasley, but Ron and Hermione won't once I get my hands on them." Harry said calmly and walked out of the room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~To be continued...~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


	4. Chapter 04

****

Chapter 4- Home Sweet Bloody Home

Harry was not usually a vengeful person but considering the circumstances he decided to be one. He refused to speak to Ron or Hermione for several days but in the end had to out of boredom. Him and Draco stopped fighting and became kind of silent allies, but Harry was lonely. Now that they were convinced he was okay Ron and Hermione were caught up in their own obvious "secret" relationship. Lupin was always out on business so Harry never got a chance to talk to him. Ginny was just as bored as he was so she went to stay with a friend of hers the day she came back from Diagon Alley. Fred and George had rented an apartment near their shop and rarely stopped by. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were hardly interesting and Molly kept treating him like a bomb that would explode any minute. So Harry was left to wallow in his boredom. He knew that Draco felt the same but they made a truce not a 'friends for life' pact, so they basically ignored each other. No matter how bored he was he was not going to be friendly with Draco. No certainly not. 

__

So, boring........ Harry thought and went into his room to take a look at some of his schoolbooks. They were just as boring as ever. He glanced at Ron's trunk, which was open. On top of a pile of clothes was his chessboard. _Well there's nothing else to do. _Harry had no idea where Ron and Hermione were, probably in a closet somewhere, so he tried playing against himself. He wondered if he would just die of boredom. Maybe he could set the house on fire just for some entertainment. _Why don't wizards have television? _He thought remembering the Dursley's TV. He longed to go outside but that of course was not permitted. The chessmen were getting bored and began beating on each other and running around. Harry watched them unenthusiastically for awhile before trying to round them up before they smashed each other to smithereens. But he never had the talent Ron had for ordering them about. They just continued with their little battle, it looked like the white knight was in charge, and most of the pawns were smashed. Harry tried once more to round them up but couldn't. He sighed out loud and fell back onto the dusty, hard floorboards. He closed his eyes, and tried not to think; but the moment his eyes were closed he began thinking about Voldemort. 

__

How the hell am I ever going to defeat the most powerful dark lord on earth? No, I will not think of it, I will not think of it, I will not... 

He sat up, there was no way he was going to even think about Voldemort or his evil plans. He was going to sit here and play chess, but all the pieces were smashed. He put them all back into their box, knowing that they'd repair themselves eventually. Kreacher walked by the door mumbling and muttering, dragging an old, small photo frame behind him. Now that Sirius was gone Kreacher listened to no one but at least he couldn't leave the house. 

Harry got up, and sat on his bed between his pillow and the wall. He concentrated on not thinking about Voldemort. He just couldn't face it yet. He felt like a mouse hiding from a cat. But honestly who could ever imagine that a sixteen year old boy could defeat the most powerful wizard in the world!?! It's preposterous! So he tried not to think. Somehow his thoughts slipped to Draco. He was glad to be able to think about something other than Voldemort, but Draco? Despite how different Harry had thought they were they were actually very much the same. He actually wasn't as inhuman as Harry had always thought him to be. And he did have a nice butt.... _Eeew! NO! I did not just think that Draco has a nice butt!_ _No I will NOT think of Draco that way, I won't think about him at all! _As soon as he had stopped thinking about Draco he started thinking about Voldemort. 

Harry shook his and decided to go for a walk to clear his mind. He went to the attic but Buck-Beak was in a crummy mood too, so Harry left him alone. He wandered back down into the study, but it was dank, bland, and boring just like everywhere else in this horrible house. He left that room and headed toward the staircase. Molly must have polished the banister because it was shiny, and sparkling compared to the now well worn steps. Harry longed to slide it all the way down instead of taking the stairs. _But that would be childish... Still... So shiny and slick... Go on Harry, you know you want to. It is silly and childish. I will not slide down a banister out of boredom! I will not! _

"Shut up mind," Harry muttered quietly gazing longingly at the shiny, slick banister. He put one hand on it, and then the other. And before he new it he had his leg hoisted up and prepared to let go. He let go. Whoosh. _This is so awesome! _Harry thought as the wind rushed through his hair. Crash. _Uh oh!_

"Ow!"

Smash!

"Oof!" Harry grunted he landed on something that definitely was NOT the floor.

"Potter what the hell are you doing?" Yelled a very surprised Draco struggling to get out from under Harry. Harry was stunned for a moment and didn't move. He kind of liked being on top of Draco.... _No! NO! Stop it! Stop it now! Dirty thoughts... No. I will not think of Draco that way, I will not think of Draco that way, I will not think of..._

"POTTER GET OFF!" Draco yelled trying to push the larger boy off. Harry snapped back to his sense and hastily got off. Draco got up, brushed off his clothes and smirking. _Oh that ever-famous smirk!_

"The famous Harry Potter sliding down banisters like a 5-year-old?" He sneered looking at Harry with an amused expression on. Harry decided to stay cool.

"Yes, Malfoy. I was sliding down a banister like a 5-year-old. Do you have a problem with that?" Harry said wondering what had come over him. _All this living with Draco stuff must be going to my head, _he thought. _What the hell enticed me to do that? I really have to get out more... But of course I can't because I'm bloody Harry Potter and I have to stay alive long enough to save the bloody world. Stupid world why can't it save itself?_

"Hello? Earth to Potter?" Malfoy said looking very ticked off.

"Huh? Were you saying something?" Harry asked still half-lost in thought.

"Pay attention Potter, I swear that lately you've been walking around in some kind of trance! I just asked if you wanted to play exploding snap with me," Malfoy said in a very Snape-ish manner. He quickly added, "Only because there's absolutely nothing to do in this dump of a place". Harry was a bit surprised at the invitation but nodded.

"Yeah okay," he said not even bothering to tell Draco that this was not a dump of a place; because he was right, "Snape".

"What was that?" Draco asked turning around to glare at Harry.

"Oh nothing".

So, he and Draco played exploding snap, then they played chess, and then Harry taught Draco some muggle card games, which Draco was scornful of, but he soon found out they were not much different. They acted like they had been friends for years. _Being friends with Draco when no one's around.... I can live with that _Harry soon forgot that this was the same person who had made, well tried to make his life miserable for the last 5 years. 

Once they had both reached for the same card and Draco's hand brushed his. Harry had expected him to jerk it back and keep playing, but he didn't. He left his hand linger over Harry's. Harry couldn't help it he smiled. He could feel his heart beating; he could even hear it. Draco suddenly realized what he was doing and pulled his hand back, muttering something about having homework to finish, and that Harry should watch where he was putting his hand. He got up and left, leaving Harry there thinking. _What the hell was that!?! How can I actually..... Like..... Him. No, I don't like him. We're just two hormone crazed teenage boys with no one else around. Just because I maybe, may like him a teeny bit does not mean I am in love with him. No. _

If only he knew how very wrong he was.

************

Harry spent the last few days at Grimmauld Place avoiding Draco, and teasing Hermione and Ron after catching them snogging in the living room; if you can call it a living room, it looked more like a dying room to Harry. But despite the fact that he teased them all the time, he was jealous. They had each other, and whom did he have? Nobody. _And Draco does NOT count. At all, _he thought lying on his bed. _I'm going back to school tomorrow. I'll find somebody, and I'll forget all about Draco._

The next day everybody was in a hurry, as they seemed to be every year, except Draco who was calm and unaffected by all the rushing. Harry pulled on some muggle clothes and went on the traditional quest for pairs of socks to pack. He checked and re-checked his trunk over and over again to make sure he did not forget anything. When he was quite sure that he had everything he lugged his trunk down stairs, past rushing people with toast falling out of their mouths, and out into the front hall. It was almost empty, except for Draco who was sitting on his trunk looking exasperatedly at the others running around looking for things.

"At least one of you people has some bit of organization!" He said as Harry dropped his trunk and plunked down on top of it. "I mean how hard is to pack for going back to school?" Harry rolled his eyes, but Draco didn't see. Suddenly a thought came over him.

"Won't the Slytherins know you've switched? What if they're under secret orders from your dad to kill you?" Harry asked glancing around to make sure no one spotted him talking to Draco.

"Are you a complete imbecile?" Draco said angrily. _If I'm being nice to you, then yes I am. _"Do you think that all Slytherins are junior Death Eaters? We're not! In fact most of us are trying hard not to give in to our parents. That's why Greg and Vince refused the mark; but no one was suspicious of them. They just figured that they were too stupid anyway. At least their fathers aren't murdering bastards who belong in asylums! Pansy gave in; of course I always knew she was weak. And Blaise ran away from home too and is now living with his relatives in Wales", Draco finished listing off people. 

__

Wow they're human, Harry though half sarcastically. 

"Sorry, I didn't know," he muttered to his shoes. 

"It's all right. I guess we did give that impression. I mean, you better be sorry Potter!" Draco said glaring furiously at Harry as if he had said something embarrassing. 

"Anyway, so where are you going to go? After this school year I mean. You must have some relatives that aren't 'murdering bastards who belong in asylums'," Harry asked before Draco could go on with his list of Slytherin's saints. 

"Yeah, I have cousins in France, from my mother's side, who are not involved in the war. Andromeda didn't seem too keen on having me and I don't blame her. But I'd rather go to France away from all this. I'll stay with my cousins next summer, I..." Draco told him but stopped and glared past Harry's shoulder.

"Whoa! Pinch me I must be dreaming... Ouch Ron. It's a figure of speech you moron." Hermione said looking amazed at Harry and Draco, while she was rubbing her left arm. She and Ron had just came down the stairs pulling their own trunks. 

"You are actually having a civil conversation… That's great!" She said looking at them proudly. Harry thought that she had no reason to look proud and Draco gave them such a dirty look that would have made Snape jealous.

"From what I hear you and Weasel here slightly less than civil, er... 'conversations'," Draco said in his most sarcastic voice. Hermione blushed a shade of a beet, Ron went so red he looked rather purple. Harry tried very hard not to laugh, resulting in very painful ribs and teary eyes. Draco smiled smugly and turned around, ignoring them all. 

Once Harry had recovered he decided that he was being to hard on Ron and Hermione. _I should give them a break, _he thought and promised himself he'd talk to them normally and try not to tease too much. 

They all walked to King's Cross with the guard much the same as last year. Their luggage was charmed to the size and weight of a small backpack so they would blend into the crowd of muggles. Once they were on the platform, and their trunks were back to normal they boarded the train. Ron, Hermione, and Draco went straight to the prefect's compartments while Harry ran into Neville, Luna, Seamus, and Dean; he sat with them in their compartment and was followed by Ginny soon after. The train was off. Ron and Hermione joined them soon and they messed around, talking of plans for the upcoming year, new courses, and the next Quidditch season. 

After a while, Harry went to the bathroom passing through Draco's compartment. Draco winked at him when no one was looking. Harry smiled back. Draco had guts to do that when any of those Slytherins could've been watching. 

Harry went back to his own compartment forgetting about needing to go to the bathroom. In a while he could see the dim lights of Hogsmeade out of the window. _Home sweet bloody home, _Harry thought hoping that they'd have a better Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher this year.

~*~*~*~*~* To be continued....*~*~*~*~*~ 


End file.
